Time to breathe. Inhale. Exhale.

I haven’t updated in a while. It’s because of some mix of the following: (1) I’m not motivated enough that weekend to update and (2) I tell myself I’ll wait until Sunday to update since I want to include that weekend’s happenings, but then Sunday studying gets the best of me.

A quick breakdown of highlights from this past month or so (in chronological order):

  1. Stethoscope Ceremony. The Alumni Association bought us all sweet stethoscopes. We are to learn how to use them in Intro to Clinical Medicine (ICM) along w/ how to interview patients.
  2. first Men’s Fraternity meeting. A handful of us preclinical med students started this accountability group. We meet weekly, and it’s great to pursue a common personal goal together. I highly recommend it.
  3. UVA visit. It was awesome to see college friends again. The 1st yrs I knew aren’t high-energy, curious 1st yrs anymore. Some things are just as I remember. Others are different, with new leadership in GCF and the next step in friends’ lives. Didn’t really get to catch up with fellow 2011′s, though.
  4. Mansu in NY. Minsu came up for UVA’s spring break. We caught up over lunch and Hungarian pastries. Conclusion: screw the hype. Next time, we’re getting bingsoo instead.
  5. Baltimore Half Marathon. Despite not training much, I’m happy with how I ran. At mile 3, Jason found me and we finished the race together.
  6. March of Dimes w/ James. On my weekend home for the race, my brother asked me if I wanted to watch a movie! Bah! He likes me! :D
  7. Greenwich Village w/ Charity. After a round of exams, I hung out with Charity in the Village (pronounced GREH-nich). Having only been to really touristy NY spots, I didn’t know the city could look so clean and upscale.
  8. Anatomy Lab. Just finished our first week dissecting. 2.5 hrs/day on your feet cutting through fat, separating muscle layers, and palpating (touching) just about everything. The human body’s complex. God is a genius.

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SHORTSIGHTED LIVING

In one of our Men’s Fraternity meetings, the topic of vision came up. It came up in the context of how a lot of men don’t have clearly defined, long-term goals that they’re passionate about. As a result, they’re directionless. I often feel the same way, and a huge reason why I joined this MF group is to flesh out (1) what defines manhood and (2) what are my goals in life. Living day in and day out feeling directionless is like constantly feeling like I didn’t get enough sleep and being susceptible to jumping from one idea or fad to another. I think that’s a big reason why I wrapped myself in being premed my college years. It was defined. It had an end goal.

Nowadays, I can’t look beyond the next quiz or the next test. When I reflect on the state of my QTs these past two months, I can see I’ve done them consistently, but I feel I’m no closer to God nor know Him any better than I did before. I’ve made this mistake of shortsighted living a lot.

Relationships with God are never meant to stay stagnant. A mystery of God is how He’s limitless and there’s always more to learn and appreciate about Him. Otherwise, He’d be one lousy God :)    So whether I’m the noob I am or the God-centered man I hope to be, there’s no such thing as having too much of God.

When June hits, I don’t want to look back on my first year in med school and think “Wow, what a waste.  A year’s passed,  but I still have the same questions, the same struggles, and no growth in God. I know a bit more medicine, but otherwise, nothing’s changed.” That would be…yeah.

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Something on my mind these days is “what specialty should I do?” I tone down my real level of curiosity when I talk with friends about this because I know it’s absurd to think incessantly about that already.

And this obsession hits me in waves. When it crests, I stupidly associate everything to specialty choice (e.g. “I can’t separate the traps from the rhomboid muscles. guess I can’t be a surgeon”). And then the foolishness of it all brings me back to normal.

And times like now, when I do catch myself going overboard, I think:

“John, do you care about living your life with an eternity perspective as much as you do about your career? As important as this med stuff is, does it make sense for your mind to be so focused on this instead of on heavenly things? Not to the point of neglecting, but really, where do your treasures lie?”

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