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My old man leads a cell group for his church. For anyone unfamiliar with the term, it’s basically a small group/Bible study group. His group consists of 4-5 couples, each with 1-2 kids ranging ages 1-12, I think. Most of them are 4-8 years old. Tonight, this group met up at my place for a post-Thanksgiving get-together.
As always, the kids are adorable, especially the 15 month old baby boy. The adults are interesting, too. Though most of them lean a slight bit east on the fob-twinkie spectrum, their English is fine. They’re white collar and haven’t experienced hardships in their youth like wars or famines (unlike some of our parents).
It’s not a stretch to say that they’re me in 15 years. So seeing them, their family dynamics, the way they raise their kids, I occasionally wonder, “is this a preview of what my life will be like?”
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But I digress.
I shuffled tonight between the dining room where the adults sat around the table sharing and listening and the family room where half the kids/toddlers were.
The other half ferried their noise back and forth, between the dining room and the family room. They were like Energizer bunnies that came pre-programmed with a route of my house.
In one trip, I tried to get as many of the kids together and show them how to make a paper crane to keep them quiet so that their parents could have undisturbed fellowship.
My origami students were four kids, ages 4,7,7, and 8. Step by step, I showed them how to fold the crane. And step by step, I did half the folding for them. Often, the kids wrestled for attention or had a hard time with the folds.
Finally, we finished. All four kids in my “class” had paper cranes.
About 10 minutes later, the 4 yr old boy asked if he could have the crane I folded in addition to the one he (read: I) had folded. I said, “sure”.
Immediately, another boy (not in the origami tutorial) said “no, I want it.”
I asked the 4 yr old to give the other boy one of his two cranes. I even tried to appeal to his inner desire to be the bigger man. Turns out he had no such desire.
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At the end of the night, once everyone had left, guess what I saw on the dining room table?
2 paper cranes scattered among wine glasses and disposable plates. I can’t be 100% sure that those 2 discarded cranes belonged to the 4 yr old, but they very well might’ve been, and they certainly lost value to some child or another.
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The above story doesn’t make me cry. It is not touching at all.
It just made me wonder how similar I am to that 4 yr old. There are only a few differences. Instead of paper cranes, it’s popularity, strength, wit, charm. Instead of wanting 2 cranes, it’s wanting 2 helpings of these things when others have one. Instead of being mesmerized by the crane for 30 minutes, it’s being mesmerized for days, months, years. And even if the infatuation lasts a lifetime, that’s still only a second in the scheme of eternity. So either way, my infatuations are shortsighted and fickle.
For the boy, the crane didn’t really interest him much. He clearly said “but I want two.” He just wanted to have more than his sister and the other kids. Am I so different?
And even though I identify this fault in me today (and probably have a few times before), won’t I fall for this trick again?
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I do not mean to sound depressing. This is just a part of life! It is human to be so foolish as to fall again and again for the same things.
This might be one of the hardest things for me in being a Christian: to remember and beLIeVE in the truth that God accepts and loves me despite my foolishness. And this is possible because Christ’s righteousness covers (NOT transforms) my foolishness.
A lot of condemnation and guilt I experience is self-made. Time to be freed from it. And I need this reminder daily.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
Had a short week of school, and I write to you now from my bed in noVA.
It’s always fun to catch up with the old man when he picks me up from Union Station in D.C. Today was no different. He surprised me at tonight’s pickup, though. He’s caught on that I get the munchies after the long bus rides from NY. He had hweh-dup-bap (rice w/ sushi) ready for me at home. sweet old man.
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three quick, random thoughts:
ONE: I KEEP GETTING SCHOOLED BY MY YOUNGER FRIENDS.
Recently, my Google Readings have been humbling me in a great way. I read some posts and think, “woah, I didnt know they had that in them. that’s deep. Man, my thoughts are so self-centered.” Just saying, they are excellent reminders that spiritual maturity is independent of age. This is obvious, but yeah.
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TWO: THE MORE I’M THINKING ABOUT DOING SOMETHING, THE LESS I’M ACTUALLY DOING IT
Pretty self explanatory…and again, pretty common sense. There’s only so much I can plan (or brainstorm or let the project simmer in my head) until all the mind farts becomes an unpleasant, elaborately justified smokescreen of procrastination. Live in the present, John. Plan reasonably for the future without compromising trust in God to guide you.
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THREE: KDRAMAS AGAIN
I think I averaged 1 Korean drama/year throughout college. Lo and behold, it looks like that trend’s holding steady. I’m watching A Tree w/ Deep Roots right now. The verdict is in: this drama is sick.
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Happy Thanksgiving 
Time to breathe. Inhale. Exhale.
I haven’t updated in a while. It’s because of some mix of the following: (1) I’m not motivated enough that weekend to update and (2) I tell myself I’ll wait until Sunday to update since I want to include that weekend’s happenings, but then Sunday studying gets the best of me.
A quick breakdown of highlights from this past month or so (in chronological order):
- Stethoscope Ceremony. The Alumni Association bought us all sweet stethoscopes. We are to learn how to use them in Intro to Clinical Medicine (ICM) along w/ how to interview patients.
- first Men’s Fraternity meeting. A handful of us preclinical med students started this accountability group. We meet weekly, and it’s great to pursue a common personal goal together. I highly recommend it.
- UVA visit. It was awesome to see college friends again. The 1st yrs I knew aren’t high-energy, curious 1st yrs anymore. Some things are just as I remember. Others are different, with new leadership in GCF and the next step in friends’ lives. Didn’t really get to catch up with fellow 2011′s, though.
- Mansu in NY. Minsu came up for UVA’s spring break. We caught up over lunch and Hungarian pastries. Conclusion: screw the hype. Next time, we’re getting bingsoo instead.
- Baltimore Half Marathon. Despite not training much, I’m happy with how I ran. At mile 3, Jason found me and we finished the race together.
- March of Dimes w/ James. On my weekend home for the race, my brother asked me if I wanted to watch a movie! Bah! He likes me!
- Greenwich Village w/ Charity. After a round of exams, I hung out with Charity in the Village (pronounced GREH-nich). Having only been to really touristy NY spots, I didn’t know the city could look so clean and upscale.
- Anatomy Lab. Just finished our first week dissecting. 2.5 hrs/day on your feet cutting through fat, separating muscle layers, and palpating (touching) just about everything. The human body’s complex. God is a genius.
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SHORTSIGHTED LIVING
In one of our Men’s Fraternity meetings, the topic of vision came up. It came up in the context of how a lot of men don’t have clearly defined, long-term goals that they’re passionate about. As a result, they’re directionless. I often feel the same way, and a huge reason why I joined this MF group is to flesh out (1) what defines manhood and (2) what are my goals in life. Living day in and day out feeling directionless is like constantly feeling like I didn’t get enough sleep and being susceptible to jumping from one idea or fad to another. I think that’s a big reason why I wrapped myself in being premed my college years. It was defined. It had an end goal.
Nowadays, I can’t look beyond the next quiz or the next test. When I reflect on the state of my QTs these past two months, I can see I’ve done them consistently, but I feel I’m no closer to God nor know Him any better than I did before. I’ve made this mistake of shortsighted living a lot.
Relationships with God are never meant to stay stagnant. A mystery of God is how He’s limitless and there’s always more to learn and appreciate about Him. Otherwise, He’d be one lousy God 
So whether I’m the noob I am or the God-centered man I hope to be, there’s no such thing as having too much of God.
When June hits, I don’t want to look back on my first year in med school and think “Wow, what a waste. A year’s passed, but I still have the same questions, the same struggles, and no growth in God. I know a bit more medicine, but otherwise, nothing’s changed.” That would be…yeah.
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Something on my mind these days is “what specialty should I do?” I tone down my real level of curiosity when I talk with friends about this because I know it’s absurd to think incessantly about that already.
And this obsession hits me in waves. When it crests, I stupidly associate everything to specialty choice (e.g. “I can’t separate the traps from the rhomboid muscles. guess I can’t be a surgeon”). And then the foolishness of it all brings me back to normal.
And times like now, when I do catch myself going overboard, I think:
“John, do you care about living your life with an eternity perspective as much as you do about your career? As important as this med stuff is, does it make sense for your mind to be so focused on this instead of on heavenly things? Not to the point of neglecting, but really, where do your treasures lie?”
